I guess I'll just start by sharing where I am now. Last Tuesday I came home from my third hospital stay in the past 3 years. I walked away from that experience feeling scared about my future and unsure of what level of stability I could ever expect from my life. I started having panic attacks four years ago, during my sophomore year at college and have since been diagnosed with panic disorder, generalized anxiety, and major depressive disorder. (Wow, just sharing that amount of information for anyone to read is scary...) Anyway, I am sure I will share many stories from the past four years, but today I want to focus on today. I am beginning to fully realize that my anxiety is very different than the anxiety that most other people experience. I am no doctor or scientist so I can only explain these things in the way that I understand them (forgive me if I am not strictly accurate).
The simplest way to explain it, is that many people who have anxiety disorders experience it like this: #1 A trigger appears (ex: a new person walks up to say hi) #2 They begin having anxious thoughts #3 If those racing thoughts escalate to a certain degree then the person may end up having physical symptoms including a panic attack. (That is how I understand it, please feel completely free to give a more accurate description or just share how your anxiety looks).
So, for a long time, that's how doctors tried to understand where my anxiety was coming from. I guess I can't blame them. I was in college at the time which is pretty much synonymous with stress. With my counselor's guidance, however, I was able to see that my anxiety follows a different pattern. I could be having an amazing time, watching a movie by myself, having dinner with a friend, or enjoying a family game night and then I realize it. #1: My leg is shaking, I'm wringing my hands, my chest feels like it's under a load of bricks and my stomach is being squeezed by a boa constrictor. That is (typically) my "step one". I become physically anxious before I even have any anxious thoughts. And before you suggest it, yes, after four years of therapy, I have gone over and over and over and over situations trying to identify the trigger, but the majority of the time, there honestly isn't an identifiable trigger or pattern. After step one comes #2: Trying to talk myself down. I begin to use my coping skills to calm my body and mind. I excuse myself if I am in a social situation and depending on how much my anxiety has built before I became aware of it, I may either start having a panic attack right there in a friend's bathroom or perhaps I am able to make it to my car, even to my house. Inevitably though, I am more than likely going to finish the cycle with #3: Panic Attack. My panic attacks come in a spectrum of intensities, but a typical attack looks like this: me, on the floor in the fetal position, crying uncontrollably, unable to move or call for help, hyperventilating, and rocking back and forth.
I don't think that these two processes are so very different in the sense that they are both agonizing, torturous, experiences that no one should have to go through...ever! My question is this, are there other people out there who relate to my process of anxiety? If so, where are you in process of trying to treat the panic attacks, trying to find what normal looks like for you? I've quit my job, I'm living with my in-laws for extra support, and right now I cannot be left alone...I don't know where to go from here. I sit at home with goals written down like,
-Take a Shower
-Eat 3 Meals
-Play catch with Little Buddy (my dog)
And right now I can't even do that. Since being out of the hospital my one goal is simply to make it through the day without a panic attack.
I don't mean to be all doom and gloom. I want to stress that I still have stable days, even sometimes great days!! But I guess I have just reached a point where I have admitted that, right now, anxiety is running my life and I'm not okay with that.
So, to finish off this inspirational ray of sunshine, I just want to implore anyone who can relate to what I have begun to describe, please don't hesitate to contact me. I am in need of support from people who have been through this process. For those of you who have loved ones dealing with a mental illness, keep reading, or even better, go give them a hug. In the future I am going to simply share my story. I hope it can be helpful to those of you who are or have been in my shoes and also for those of you who are walking next to someone in my shoes.
Thanks for reading.
Blessing,
Hannah
